(I Swear I am not Making This Up)

For everyone who has not worked in an office before, here are a few helpful suggestions from one who has been an office drone since she graduated college:

1. If you are bored in your new job and find yourself with nothing to do, you might consider: a. quitting your new job or b. talking to your boss to see what you are supposed to be doing, but c. and I cannot stress this enough - looking at "adult content" websites in your office? Not really an acceptable alternative.

2. However, if you feel the need to troll these "adult content" websites (and you know what I am talking about here) at work, please please PLEASE DON'T PRINT STUFF OUT to the shared department printer.

3. But if you DO print out pictures (!) to the shared department printer, you should haul your ass directly TO said printer and take your goodies back to the privacy of your own office. Under no circumstances is it OK to forget what you printed out and leave it for an unsuspecting colleague (AHEM!) to find. This will leave your colleague deeply unsettled for the rest of the day, the week, and possibly her life.

4. I have more helpful hints, involving the arrangement of chairs in the conference room, the eating of other people's food in the fridge (do I really have to spell this one out?) and so on, but I think the most important lesson is the one above.

+ Update: Dear Fellow Cube Dwellers - let the above serve as a cautionary tale about the printing of the porno at the office. The misfortunate person about whom this was written (all true! Right down to the psychological scarring!) was voted off of the island this week. (Yes, it's true "there's one less place at our (conference) table...") Not just because of the incident described here although let the record show - that did NOT help.