Once upon a time, when I was working in Evanston, I wandered in to our friendly, neighborhood Barnes & Noble, where I spent many happy lunch hours (because I needed to get out of the office or else would start stapling things to people's heads). One day, I happened to pick up a book with a supercute cover. It was called "Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered, smart-ass, or why you should never carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office" - a memoir by a Chicagoan named Jen Lancaster. This totally fit my book buying MO it had a cute cover and kick ass title. I always look at what an author names his or her book, because if they have the sense of humor to name their book something that I find amusing, it's a good indicator of how much I will like the book. That, and the stuff on the dust jacket cover (Like Amy Sedaris' book on entertaining.Really funny shit.) But for whatever reason, I didn't buy the book that day. I would see it on other visits and go "Oh, yeah, I totally want to read that" etc, but never got around to it.
Well, last weekend, I was shopping with Heidi and Jane at Borders and, given the fact that I can never go into that store and leave empty handed, I was poring over the Three for the Price of 2 table, or whatever it's called. There was Bitter is the New Black, along with its sequel (wait for it) "Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why do They All Live Next Door to Me?" Naturally, I snatched them both up and ran to the cash register.
Anyway. Jen is a little older than me (I think) but totally on my wavelength (and there aren't really that many people I can say that about). If I saw her in the Starbucks on Randolph St., I'd totally buy her a latte.
Some of the reasons Jen is my New Queen:
1. She's very snarky and sarcastic, and made me laugh out loud on the train, which made the other commuters stare at me strangely (come on! At least I wasn't as bad/disruptive to the peace as Loud Snoring Guy!)
2. She lives in Chicago, so I can totally identify with all the places she's talking about. I absolutely sympathize about the perils of our crappy public transportation (UGH slow and skeezy CTA).
3. If ever she became Supreme Ruler of the US, she would give her people subsidized pedicures and highlights, and have many neighborhood Borders and Barnes and Noble stores where we'd get free coffee and paperbacks. (Gotta love that)
4. She'd also have Kate Spade re-do our flag in florals and plaids (ditto on that).
5. She gets excited when it's red-cup, gingerbread latte season at Starbucks (Right?)
6. Her new holy shopping trinity is Target/IKEA/Trader Joe's (Me too! Especially since Target has gotten their new designer clothing lines. I am LOVING the new Alice Temperley stuff, and as I think you all know, have made many trips to area Targets to find different pieces in that collection).
7. She plays 'Slug Bug' in the car with her husband.
8. She does not allow talking during "America's Next Top Model"
And, perhaps most importantly:
9. She hates Dave Matthews. (Which I think makes us the only 2 people on earth who don't love him to death.)
So, yeah. She's kinda like me except a little more bitter. This very hot weekend, I plan to hide out in the air conditioning and finish "Bright Lights, Big Ass." If you are nice to me, I might even loan it to you when I am done.
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