What's the German for "Major Suckfest"?

Die Frau ohne Schatten at Lyric now has the distinction of being the only opera I've ever walked out on. I've seen my share of clunkers in the several odd years I've been going to Lyric (Turandot? Anyone? Mahagonny with the polar bears? Mouring Becomes Electra?). And I've also seen my share of really really looooonnnng operas - Marriage of Figaro, Alcina, Rodelinda, etc etc etc. But this is the only one I hated instantly. With the fire of a thousand suns.

Let me say first that the cast is a complete dream come true - Deborah Voigt, Christine Brewer, Robert Dean Smith, Franz Hawlata, Jill Grove - they all sang magnificently. But even Deborah (or 'Debz' as she is affectionately known - at least at my house)couldn't save this mess. The music was LOUD and discordant - it seems almost kind of Wagnerian - through composition with no overture, no breaks in the action for applause, no big showstopping arias to speak of. The story made NO SENSE AT ALL. I'm not talking like in an operatic way, where people trade clothes and are in instant disguises. I'm talking seriously no sense. Gazelle becomes woman. Has no shadow, can't have children. Husband will turn to stone. Goes out to make faustian kind of deal with a human woman to buy a shadow. Chaos ensues. I didn't really follow and I didn't really care.

Now to the length. Some operas (Rodelinda) are really long but they don't feel long. This one dragged on and on and on and on. The first act ALONE felt like it was 4 hours (in reality, it was just one). And then there was the production. First of all, if the title of the thing is "the woman without a shadow" I think it might be an idea to make sure that that particular character doesn't, oh, I don't know, actually cast a shadow? During the whole first act, the lighting was such that Debz was casting a shadow. And it was really obvious - the set didn't help that. I think if it was a little brighter, it may have. In other acts (okay, act) I noticed they moved the spot around with her so the shadow thing didn't happen.

We decided to give Act 2 a shot - hoping it would get better. At the very beginning, I was settling into my seat and a bony finger tapped me on the shoulder from behind. One of the little ancient ladies behind me wanted me to move so she could see better (is it me, or is that odd? What if I'd been a man with a large melon? What is it with these entitled 'I'm older than dirt so you have to do what I want' kind of opera patrons?).

The best part of the second act came when the 'Emperor' was lowered onto the stage on a large fake horse. They plonked him on the stage with an unceremonious thud. When he tried to get back on, the horse almost fell over. It was vair amusing. Then, he was lifted back into the air, to make it seem like he was moving, all the while, talking to his 'falcon' - hovering in the air in sequins and feathers in a neon floating box. I'm not even making this up. Then the idiot and his horse were lowered again, he got off, etc. Talked about killing the empress because she lied to him. Pondered using arrows. No. Sword? No. Good lord, the man can't even get on a horse, how's he going to kill anyone? Got back on the horse again and almost fell over (again). That was the highlight of the second act, so that should tell you something. While Debz and the Nurse (who was singing with a cold, but you'd never know it) were tempting the dyer's wife with a lovely young man, for some reason, Batman (a guy in black sequined cape and hat) showed up. Why? Why? Why? Also, someone dropped in to give the dyer (named 'Barak') a glowing, light-saber looking sword. It glowed in the dark. Why? Was the force especially strong with him? (how strong? as strong as a small pony!)

We left after that so I can't tell you what happened then. Overall synopsis: it SUCKED. A lot.

And for this, I missed Dancing with the Stars. Huummmph.