sequins & lies **

Let's get something clear right now, and this should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever read my blog, or in fact, actually met me. I am a fan of Ms. Patti LuPone. Everyone knows it, even some of my coworkers who have no reason to know things about me know it. Love, love, love Patti. OK? So, I'm going to talk about her book, and, full disclosure, if you're looking for a review that's "objective" or "insightful" or that which you might find in the New York Times (or wherever you might find a professional book review) you ain't gonna find it here. Right, so you've been warned.

I first saw Patti perform in 2006, when my Divas 101 teachers (you know who you are) took me to see Sweeney Todd. It was a must see, not to be missed performance. I had been aware of Patti much earlier. I used to sing "Don't cry for me, Argentina" to my stuffed animals as a kid (no joke). But this was the first time I'd seen her live and I was hooked. We were all the way up in the balcony and I remember turning to Sarah at intermission, wide-eyed and asking her if we could go to the stage door after the show to meet Patti. She asked me "Do you want to meet Patti?" and all I could do was nod. I was too in awe of her (and her reputation) to say much of anything to her at the stage door (my old mute tomato routine kicking in, as usual) but she was incredibly sweet, and laughed when Sarah told her that she'd brought her "some virgins" to see the show. I saw Sweeney Todd several other times, after that, and was lucky enough to see the closing night performance, which was an experience I have never had before or since in the theater. I've always loved theater, and was taken to shows as a kid. In all that time, I never knew that there could be an experience, a connection between me, the audience member, and the actors on stage. Sweeney Todd blasted down the 4th wall and all of the actors connected, really connected, with the audience, taking us with them deep into the story. I was used to being entertained at, with big productions like Cats, Les Mis, POTO. It was a fun time, and the music was nice, but there was no connection. I never knew that going to the theater could be that way, that you could share an intimate moment with the actors and with 1,000 fellow audience members. That night was incredible and Patti herself had a lot to do with that.

So that's me. Onto the book. For anyone who thinks that life in the arts is exciting and wonderful fun, I can just tell you, think again. Sure, there's the glitz and glamor, opening nights, and big parties, jetting around the world, performing on stage, in movies and on tv if you're lucky, and all of the trappings of fame. But there's also lows to go with all of those highs. Lies, backstabbing, bad reviews, 8 shows a week! to ungrateful, eating and texting audiences! Every actor, dancer, singer, stage manager, even down to the lowly grant writer, huddled in her tiny cubicle (holla!) knows that it might look easy but it's a lot of hard work. Art isn't easy.

Patti's book takes us through the highs and lows of her career as an actor - from her early days at Juilliard to her most recent triumph as Rose in Gypsy, with all stops in between. The tone is light, and it is a quick read. I got the book on Tuesday (I decided not to pre-order it, but rather, to storm Borders early Tuesday morning to get a copy) and I am just about done with it. If you are familiar with Patti's "Ramblings from the Road", the book reads like that, just like you're sitting around a table with her somewhere, knocking back something strong from a square bottle and she's dishing with you. Spoilers are coming, darlings, so if you don't want to know, stop right here!!

And does she ever dish. She cheerfully recounts the time when the entire Acting Company got crabs (ewwwww), and when she got snowed in after her Evita audition and was rescued by Superman (AKA Christopher Reeve, who helped get her on his flight). But everything was not always coming up roses. Through the high points, there were low points. She talks about her involvement with The Baker's Wife and what a trainwreck that was, along with two unsavory leading men (Topol and Paul Sorvino. Yes, she names names). The dish gets even more entertaining when she gets to talking about Life Goes On and her hate/hate relationship with Bill Smitrovich, and it's even more intense/heartbreaking when she starts to talk about Sunset Boulevard. I'm not an actor, and after reading this stuff, I know I couldn't ever be one - my skin is paper thin. I did some theater in high school - I am a decent singer (it's in the name) but after I was rejected for a play I really wanted to do, I could not take any more. Being criticized for my work is horrible to me (mainly because I hate being wrong. And I hate being called out for being wrong even more). And I just write grants! I can't imagine what she went through even though she does her best to tell me, through the pages of the book. That whole thing sounds like a nightmare. If you don't believe me, read it. There's more, there's so much more, to say (not just today, but always...Sorry, I will stop quoting Sir Andrew Lloyd Fuckhead. No, she doesn't call him that. She's trying to be a better person. But I can call him whatever I want and carry the hate for her as long as she wants.). For god's sake, I just wanted to go and give her a hug.

I'm enjoying the book very much though (could you tell?) and I could read pages and pages and pages more. It's funny, it's sad, it's touching, it's Patti.

** This may or may not have been one of the titles I submitted to her for her name my book contest. I think, personally, that it is PURE GOLD and decided since she wasn't going to use it, I might as well use it myself.